The Family Plot Blog
Ash Scattering Far and Wide
The Wall Street Journal did an article last week titled Love, Honor, Cherish and Scatter. The story traces the ash scattering adventures of Michelle Paris, who has been scattering the cremated remains of her husband, Donald Mitchem. With the help of a group of friends, his ashes have been spread in the Pacific Ocean, in New York's Central Park, discreetly in a Donald Duck topiary at Disneyland, in the African nation of Namibia, outside a beer...
Doorways Talk
I'm going to be speaking on Monday to Santa Fe Doorways, a network of care providers, on "Funeral Planning for Those Who Don't Plan to Die." The event takes place at 11:45 a.m. on February 8 at the Ponce de Leon Retirement Center, 640 Alta Vista, Santa Fe, NM. All are welcome - it's free! You may bring your own lunch. Questions: 505-988-9222. Here's a preview of what I'll be talking about: American adults are big on planning – financial...
New Trends in Cremation Caskets
In the not-too-distant future, you could be cremated wrapped in banana leaves. Between the down economy and consumers' growing desire for "green" options, changes are afoot for the manufacturers of caskets designed to be burned in a cremation retort. "It's a changing field, and our members are responding with new products," said Mark Allen, the Executive Director of the Casket and Funeral Supply Association of America (www.cfsaa.org), which...
Memorial Display Items
Our stuff is a reflection of our lives, and a well put-together tabletop display of items can tell volumes about the person. The display can be assembled at a number of venues – at visitations at a funeral home, at the memorial service, either in the service or at a reception, and at home while receiving visitors. Include any items that have meaning and can lead to storytelling. For example, my husband and I put out these items at the reception...
A Home Celebration of Life
A brave new frontier is opening up for party planning your trip to the Great Beyond. My friends Jim and Elizabeth Cochran, who keep the cremated remains of both their mothers and Jim’s father in a special spot their family room, pioneered their own creative end-of-life celebrations at their home. Elizabeth’s mother lived in a casita behind the main house, and she died in her sleep at the age of 79. Elizabeth and Jim put together a celebration...
Unusual Viewing Request
This letter appeared in yesterday's Dear Abby column: DEAR ABBY: My mother is a spry, 75-year-old woman who has expressed an unusual request. She has told us "kids" that when she is called by the angels, she wants to be dressed in an aqua nightgown or PJs, and to be lying on her side. She says she will be sleeping for a long time, and she wants to make sure she's comfortable. She also says if we don't carry out her wishes, she will come back...
Postponing a Memorial Service
While you may feel you can hold off doing a ritual and cruise through the months after a loved one's death with no emotional repercussions, many grief counselors will tell you that you're wrong. If you plan to wait months before having a celebration of life with cremated remains, it’s helpful to do something right after the death that allows the community to express their grief and support you as you adjust to your new life situation. Consider...
Creating a Moving Photomontage
A number of funeral homes now offer to put together a video photomontage set to music. It can be shown at the service and used as part of a memorial display at the reception. This is also something you can do yourself. You’ll need a wide variety of images that cover the span of the person’s life – plan on collecting 50 to 60 images for a four-minute presentation. A few tips for preparing a moving photomontage: Assemble images in chronological...
A Real Irish Wake
If your funeral planning includes an Irish wake, here's how to do it true to form! This information on the steps traditionally followed when holding a true Irish Wake came from the web site Rootsweb.Ancestry.com. WHAT IS AN "IRISH WAKE"? The traditional Irish Wake was commonplace around Ireland up until about the 1970's. This was the process of laying out the body of a departed relative in the house where they lived and /or died. All of the...
Making Memorial Services a Celebration of Life
When Debbie Williams lost her best friend to cancer in 2002, she held a celebration of life event that was so meaningful, people came up to her afterward saying, “You should do this as a business!” and “Will you do my memorial service?” After she was laid off from her hotel/hospitality industry job, she pondered what would be fulfilling work for her, did some research and started Loving Touches Memorial Services in 2009. She is essentially a...
Pet Hospice Article
There's a very nice article in today's USA Today about pet hospice. It focuses on a no-kill shelter in Denver called MaxFund which sends old, sick dogs and cats to foster homes, where people love and care for these animals in their last days. From the article: Only a tiny fraction of the nation's shelters have such programs. The meds and care such animals need to stay content and pain-free cost plenty. And there are millions of healthy animals...
Eulogy for Arthur Cohen
One year ago today, my family held a funeral for my uncle, Arthur Cohen. At the age of 75, he collapsed and died from a heart attack on the tennis court after playing a great game of singles. While it was an unexpected shock, Arthur died doing what he loved. I helped write his obituary, and my aunt asked me to speak at the funeral. This is my eulogy that I read last year. For Arthur Cohen’s Funeral, January 19, 2009 I’m Gail Rubin. Arthur was...
Headstones with Personality
In yesterday's New York Times, the "Modern Love" column in the Sunday Styles section featured a poignant essay about selecting a headstone and what gets written on it. In "When I Was Left to Speak for Both of Us," author Paula Ganzi Licata detailed her shopping excursion to select a headstone for both she and her husband, who had died quickly and unexpectedly of kidney failure at the age of 50. Her column makes a good case for planning ahead,...
“I Got It At Costco” Funeral Cost Cutting Part Three
Direct burials and cremations Undertakers that specialize in direct burials and cremations can cost much less than traditional funeral homes. They may provide similar services in less fancy settings. I’ve seen one business post their price for a simple cremation on a billboard on a busy street. Direct burials or cremations give the family the option to bypass a ceremony altogether. However, please don’t skip doing some sort of ritual to...
Funeral Cost Cutting Part Two
Pre-Purchase a Burial Plot and Casket If you plan to live out your days in the same town and want to be buried in a local cemetery, investing in a burial plot before you need it can result in cost savings. After all, real estate prices usually go up, not down, and your final resting place is no exception. Many cemeteries will offer financing plans, which does add to the overall cost but avoids one big out-of-pocket expense. All the cemeteries...
“I Got It At Costco!” Funeral Cost-Cutting
Since funerals are a huge expense in a family budget, almost as much as a wedding, one of the things I hope to help you with in funeral planning is reducing costs. There are many ways to cut costs without looking cheap. Costco and other wholesalers "I got it at Costco" is one of my favorite phrases, as the wholesale giant is a great source for quality products at low prices. They've been in the business of selling caskets, urns, and other...
Missing the Funeral
Today's Dear Abby column in our local paper had a short letter from Left In The Dark, who wrote that two family members had passed away, and because they live several states away from the family, they were not informed of the deaths until many weeks after the funeral. The wanted to know whose responsibility it is to notify family about the deaths. Abby replied that there is no designated person who makes the call and noted that it's often a...
Funeral Disaster Story in New Mexico
The headline in today's Albuquerque Journal blared "Funeral Home Sends Brain to Family." The copyrighted story tells of a grandmother who died in a car accident in Utah, and somewhere between Utah's medical examiner's office and burial, her brain was separated from her body and put in a separate bag with the woman's belongings. Here's the lead: Members of a New Mexico family are suing an Espanola funeral home after they found their...
Facebook for Extending Condolences
My friend Thelma Domenici has a weekly etiquette column in the Albuquerque Journal, and today she addressed the idea of using Facebook to extend condolences. She says it's an appropriate medium. Thelma gave the example of a friend whose mother recently died, and how Facebook became a source of comfort as she received support from her extended circle of family and friends through the social networking Web site. Through Facebook, she both shared...
Family and Religious Preferences
The dilemma of observing different religions can arise within the same family, if a branch of the family tree or a younger generation decides to “leave the church” for another house of worship. Expressing your wishes before the need arises may help avoid conflicts. You might talk about it around the dinner table at a family gathering such as Thanksgiving or a major holiday. If your family get-togethers are stressful affairs, you might think...
The 23rd Psalm
The 23rd Psalm is a popular reading at Jewish and Christian funerals. It affirms that though we face trials in life, with God's support we move through the dark times and can achieve wholeness and fulfillment. Newer translations of this psalm have appeared in the last few decades. The version that follows is the traditional translation with some of the somewhat awkward "est" endings to verbs. If you prefer to use gender neutral names, you can...