Grief is one of the most universal human experiences, and one of the most misunderstood.
People often expect grief to follow a predictable path, complete with recognizable stages and a clear endpoint. But anyone who has experienced a significant loss knows that grief rarely works that way. It can be messy, surprising, exhausting, and deeply personal.
Episode Eight of Mortality Movies explores how films can help us better understand the many ways people grieve. Host Gail Rubin, CT, is joined by death doula Danielle Slupesky and grief coach and death doula Genna Reeves, PhD. The panel examines three movie clips that illustrate different grief responses and challenge some of our most common misconceptions.
Rather than presenting grief as something to “get over,” these films remind us that every person’s journey is unique.
Beyond the Five Stages of Grief
The episode begins with Bob Fosse’s semi-autobiographical masterpiece All That Jazz (1979).
Roy Scheider stars as Joe Gideon, a brilliant but self-destructive choreographer whose failing health forces him to confront his mortality. In one memorable sequence, he converses with Angelique, an elegant Angel of Death. The scene cuts back and forth to a comedian joking about the Five Stages. This now-famous approach to recognizing death and grief was conceived by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
The scene is funny, surreal, and thought-provoking.
It also opens the door to one of the most common misunderstandings about grief.
Kübler-Ross developed the five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—to describe the emotional responses of people facing their own terminal illness. Over time, many people began applying the stages to everyone experiencing grief after a death.
Unfortunately, that oversimplification has led countless grieving people to wonder whether they are “doing grief wrong.”
As Gail, Danielle, and Genna discuss, grief is not a checklist or a straight line. People may experience many different emotions, revisit them repeatedly, skip some entirely, or experience feelings that do not fit neatly into any stage.
Grief is not linear because life is not linear.
Keeping Busy as a Way of Grieving
The next clip comes from Elizabethtown (2005), one of the films Gail frequently recommends for its thoughtful exploration of family, funeral planning, and cultural differences surrounding death.
After his father dies unexpectedly while visiting relatives in Kentucky, Drew Baylor visits Elizabethtown to help arrange the memorial service. He receives a phone call from his mother, Hollie, played by Susan Sarandon.
Rather than collapsing under the weight of her loss, Hollie immediately began organizing projects, taking classes, and staying constantly occupied.
Her response illustrates what grief professionals call instrumental grief.
People who grieve instrumentally often focus on action, problem-solving, organization, and practical tasks. Keeping busy helps them regain a sense of purpose and control during an emotionally overwhelming time.
Others may mistakenly assume these individuals are avoiding grief or are less affected by the loss.
In reality, they are grieving deeply. They are simply expressing it differently.
Recognizing this difference can prevent misunderstandings within families, where one person may need to stay active while another seeks quiet reflection.
When Grief Is Felt Deeply
A Single Man (2009) presents a very different picture of mourning.
Colin Firth gives an unforgettable performance as George, a college professor whose longtime partner died in an automobile accident eight months earlier. Living in Los Angeles during the early 1960s, George also faces the social isolation that accompanied same-sex relationships at the time.
George exemplifies what grief experts describe as intuitive grief. His grief runs deep, but rather than expressing it openly, he keeps it largely hidden from the outside world. Each day, he carefully composes himself before leaving home, maintaining the appearance that life is continuing as normal while privately struggling with profound sadness.
The audience sees the enormous emotional effort required simply to get dressed, teach his classes, interact with colleagues, and make it through another day. Beneath his calm exterior lies a man whose world has been shattered.
George’s situation also raises the possibility of complicated grief, made even more difficult by the limited social recognition and support available to many LGBTQ+ couples during that era. The film reminds viewers that people can carry intense grief quietly, and that outward composure is not the same as healing.
There Is No Right Way to Grieve
One of the most valuable lessons from Episode Eight is that grief cannot be measured by appearances.
The person who returns to work immediately may be grieving just as deeply as the person who cries every day.
The family member who organizes paperwork, plans the funeral, and keeps everyone fed is not necessarily “stronger.” They may simply process grief differently than the sibling who needs time alone with memories and tears.
Understanding these different grieving styles can reduce unnecessary conflict during an already difficult time.
Instead of asking why someone isn’t grieving the way we are, we can begin asking how they naturally experience loss and what kind of support they need.
Compassion Begins with Understanding
The films featured in this episode encourage viewers to replace expectations with empathy.
All That Jazz reminds us that grief is not a predictable series of stages. Elizabethtown illustrates how action and productivity can become healthy expressions of mourning. A Single Man shows the profound emotional weight that grief can carry, particularly when compounded by isolation and a lack of social recognition.
Together, these stories reinforce one of the most important lessons in death education: there is no universal timetable for grief, and there is no single “correct” way to mourn.
Every relationship is unique.
Every loss is unique.
Every grief journey is unique.
In the next episode of Mortality Movies, Gail Rubin, Danielle Slupesky, and Genna Reeves continue exploring grief by examining additional grief responses and the many forms loss can take.
What movie has helped you better understand grief? Did it help you understand your own experience, or someone else’s? Share your thoughts in the comments and help continue the conversation.
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