The Family Plot Blog
Funeral Disaster Story in New Mexico
The headline in today's Albuquerque Journal blared "Funeral Home Sends Brain to Family." The copyrighted story tells of a grandmother who died in a car accident in Utah, and somewhere between Utah's medical examiner's office and burial, her brain was separated from her body and put in a separate bag with the woman's belongings. Here's the lead: Members of a New Mexico family are suing an Espanola funeral home after they found their...
Facebook for Extending Condolences
My friend Thelma Domenici has a weekly etiquette column in the Albuquerque Journal, and today she addressed the idea of using Facebook to extend condolences. She says it's an appropriate medium. Thelma gave the example of a friend whose mother recently died, and how Facebook became a source of comfort as she received support from her extended circle of family and friends through the social networking Web site. Through Facebook, she both shared...
Family and Religious Preferences
The dilemma of observing different religions can arise within the same family, if a branch of the family tree or a younger generation decides to “leave the church” for another house of worship. Expressing your wishes before the need arises may help avoid conflicts. You might talk about it around the dinner table at a family gathering such as Thanksgiving or a major holiday. If your family get-togethers are stressful affairs, you might think...
The 23rd Psalm
The 23rd Psalm is a popular reading at Jewish and Christian funerals. It affirms that though we face trials in life, with God's support we move through the dark times and can achieve wholeness and fulfillment. Newer translations of this psalm have appeared in the last few decades. The version that follows is the traditional translation with some of the somewhat awkward "est" endings to verbs. If you prefer to use gender neutral names, you can...
Interfaith Couples and Funeral Planning
Couples from different faith backgrounds often face hurdles when they marry, as I know from my first marriage – a Jew and a Catholic. Clergy may try to counsel the couple on how they can bring their different religions together into their enjoined lives, or the pair may walk away from their religions altogether. They may find a happy medium for celebrating holidays and raising children. At the end of life, though, religion often becomes...
Leading by Example
I have a bumper sticker on my car that says "Ask Me About My Book!" It hasn't been on my car that long, and today as I was driving around on several errands, two people asked me about my book. The topic is of course, funeral planning for those who don't plan to die. A woman inquired about my book while I was walking across the Whole Foods parking lot. When I told her what it was about, she sighed and said, "I wish my parents would make some...
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
Driving around on Christmas Eve, listening to the usual bevvy of Christmas songs, the ever-cheery "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" by Elmo and Patsy came on the radio. To refresh your memory, the refrain is: "Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from our house Christmas Eve. You can say there's no such thing as Santa, but as for me and Grandpa we believe." So the song's story has a death at Christmas time - Christmas Day to...
Moving Songs for Funerals
How do you choose the right songs to play at a funeral, if you want music played? Consider the many aspects that represent the person -- their family history, geographical roots, musical passions, and how old they are when they die. When I attended a memorial service for a young man who died at age 21 of testicular cancer, the gymnasium of the high school he graduated from was packed with hundreds of people. He had prepared his own memorial...
Planning Your Bon Voyage Party
As an event planner, if I waited until Wednesday to start planning a party on Saturday, I wouldn't be much of a planner, would I? Waiting until the last minute to pull the elements of a party together generates unnecessary stress. At my house, party planning starts weeks before the event. Implementation can start days before the party. I've been known to set the table a week before a big dinner party. It's the same with planning your own bon...
Remembrance Bracelets
I attended a funeral on Friday - actually I tried to attend a funeral on Friday, but wound up going to the wrong funeral home chapel. The friend who sent me information about a mutual friend's mother who died had put the wrong address in her note. I got to the correct chapel across town just as they finished. But the trip was not in vain. I did extend my condolences to the family and signed the guest book. On the way out, the funeral director...
Spiritual Needs at End-of-Life
New study results published online Dec. 14 in the Journal of Clinical Oncology indicates that being at peace with God is very important to people close to death. When asked what was important to them at the end of their lives, people dying of cancer ranked two factors highest: pain control and being at peace with God, the study found. "Medicine tends to focus on the more scientific aspects of the person, and we've made wonderful strides in...
Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition
In America, death is often regarded as the classic Monty Python routine about the Spanish Inquisition. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapons are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope." Death surprises and scares us. Despite the fact that humans have a 100% mortality rate, we don't expect to die. If you don't expect to die, you're unlikely to pre-plan a funeral. And that leads to...
Vital Statistics for Death Certificates
Whether you are pre-planning a funeral or planning after a death in the family has occurred, this is information you will need to provide for a death certificate. If you don’t have easy access this information, the process will be much more stressful. It’s better to pre-plan and pull the facts together before you need it! Legal Name: first, middle, last A.K.A.: other names the person was also known as Sex: male or female Date of Birth: month,...
Funeral Planning Circa 1909
Yesterday's New York Times featured a short piece that originally ran December 10, 1909, one hundred years ago, on a woman with the foresight to pre-plan her funeral: Gives Party; Goes to Death Springfield, Mo., Dec. 9 — Determined that none of her social obligations should remain unpaid at her death, Mrs. Alma Dodson, a social leader and the only woman lawyer in this county, invited all her friends to a farewell card party and reception...
Jewish Mourning Customs
How often when we hear the news of a death, the first impulse is to prepare food to take to the mourners’ home. This custom of preparing a meal for others is a very old tradition, for both Jews and Christians, to show concern for their neighbor’s grief. After a funeral, the immediate family returns home to a “Meal of Condolence” prepared by neighbors and friends. At this stressful time, it’s helpful to have one family member or close friend...
Jewish Funeral and Burial Customs
In ancient times, a family was responsible for burying their own deceased, and burial involved an earthly grave or a tomb. In Jesus’ time, bodies would be stored in tombs until the flesh deteriorated to the skeleton, then the bones transferred and stored in an ossuary, which is an urn or box. How times have changed! Today’s families are no longer personally responsible for preparing and burying the body; instead they pay a funeral home to...
Jewish Treatment of the Body
In the Jewish tradition, the body of the deceased is treated with care and respect, extending dignity to the earthly vessel that the human spirit has left behind. This task is often undertaken by the local Chevra Kadisha, a volunteer organization that cares for the bodies of the dead according to Jewish law and ancient custom. Funeral homes that conduct Jewish funerals can make arrangements for the services of the Chevra Kadisha or you can get...
Jewish Traditions Regarding Death
Jewish ritual strives toward kadosh, or holiness. Ironically, that term also translates to “separateness.” Jewish observances are designed to show reverence for those who die, concern for the welfare of those who mourn, and reinforce the daily holiness of our actions. While other religious traditions also incorporate these strivings, Jewish practices are very different from Christian observances. In morning prayers, Jews are reminded of these...
Carpet Kingdom
If you can find it, check out the short film, Carpet Kingdom, shown at the 2009 Telluride Film Festival. This 17-minute gem by Michael Rochford was his Master's of Fine Arts thesis. "Love. Death. Carpet." is the promotional tag line. The story involves Owen, a young scion of the family carpet business, and the funeral of his great-uncle Grover, who became an eccentric black sheep of the family in his later years. Grover dies unexpectedly at the...
Smoker’s Lounge
For those with a sense of humor about these things...
Dying the Way One Lives
There's a great blog post on Psychology Today's site, in The Mystery of Happiness written by T. Byram Karasu, M.D., Silverman Professor of Psychiatry at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. He has some very good observations about humans and their perceptions of death. Most importantly, he said, "One can fully live one's life by recognizing its end, by focusing on death at the healthier times." Here's the intro: Freud said that we do not...