A Peek at The Doyenne of Death’s Mail

Jun 21, 2015 | 0 comments

As the Doyenne of Death, I get some interesting pieces of mail. There are magazines like American Funeral Director (check out my quotes in this article), Mortuary Management (I’m a monthly contributing writer), ICCFA Magazine (the publication of the International Cemetery, Cremation and Funeral Association, to which I have contributed articles), and Funeral Business Advisor (I’m a contributing book reviewer).

And then there are other marketing pieces that arrive in my mail box, to the great amusement of my husband. Like this recent packet:

Funeral Directors Business PackThe Funeral Director’s Business Pack is like a coupon mailing for the undertaking business. On the outside of the envelope, it reads, “Look inside for special offers just for funeral homes. Great ways to build your business & improve services!”

I’ve never seen anything like this before. Sure, I’ve received catalogs for headstones and laser printer engravers, for customizable cremated remains bags, cremation jewelry and other funeral swag. But this was different. Check out some of the offers:

Female Funeral FundingInsurance assignments by the only all-female funding company, First National, Ltd. Why not call the company Women With Money?

Why WAIT for YOUR MONEY any longer than necessary…? Call Susan today and get PAID IMMEDIATELY for your funeral bills!”

In case you didn’t know, insurance assignments take place when a family will be getting money from a life insurance policy, but they don’t yet have the money in hand to pay for the funeral. The funeral home gets their money right away from the assignment company, and the assignment company gets a percentage of the transaction (in this case, 4%).

Perfect ChemicalsThe Perfect Chemicals For The Perfect Results! shouts this card. “Are your embalming chemicals giving you the quality results you need and expect…?

At Letheform, we strive to create the best chemicals in the industry. Period. We constantly seek to improve their performance to provide you with the best options to handle even your most difficult cases.

Our proven formulations have been used by funeral professionals since 1896. Isn’t it time you tried them?” It’s amazing to think this company has been offering embalming chemicals commercially for 119 years.

Suits Blazers Ties This card trumpets Incredible Quality & Savings on Professional Attire! Dozens of Men’s Suits

100% Silk Woven Ties BRAND YOURSELF – Your Logo Woven Into Matching Ties For All Your Staff!

SuitsandBlazers.com doesn’t seem to recognize the growing numbers of women funeral directors. In addition, females outnumber males in mortuary schools these days.

Silk BoutonnieresHere’s something you don’t think about every day: SILK REMEMBRANCE BOUTONNIERES. “Available Plain or Customize With Your Funeral Home Name” (on the optional imprinted ribbon – and check out the magnetic attachment – no pins!)

“A Simple & Meaningful Gift For: Pallbearers, Family, Guests, Keepsakes. Easily Secures To Clothing With Magnetic Attachment”

The pack also included cards for cremation jewelry and urns, ICCFA University classes (July 17-22, 2015), leasing and financing of new and used funeral vehicles, credit card terminals, hydraulic lifts for moving caskets and bodies, answering services, funeral home furniture, software for managing funeral paperwork, alkaline hydrolysis systems, crosses and prayer cards, and cargo management products (think ways to transport flowers, caskets and stretchers).

These are some of the after-death elements families don’t have to contend with, because the funeral director/funeral home does it for you. Consider all this when you ponder the bill for services rendered when you use a funeral home.

A Good Goodbye